Do I need community to get and stay sober?
Birds of a feather flock together
© 2020 David Bivins
I know people who got sober all by themselves. I’ve known a couple of people who simply quit drinking - just decided to stop and did. I’ve met dozens of people who quit using 12-step programs, mostly AA, and many of them still attend meetings. And I’ve met dozens more who did something other than 12-step, many of whom still attend meetings of some sort.
My point is that in my unscientific estimation, most people who are getting or got sober did it with other people. I’m not going to go into why, because there are people who literally went to school and did research to figure that out. But I am going to talk about my own experience with community and why it’s been important for me.
I got sober in a program called Tempest, a for-profit intensive program with a community component. It’s different now than when I joined and experienced their content and community so I won’t endorse it (nothing negative: I just don’t know what the program is like anymore but I do know they changed it). You could join regular Zoom meetings, offered every day, many times a day, and often in affinity groups (LGBTQ+, BIPOC, 50+, etc.). I got to know people in my “regular” groups by name and by face and made a lot of friends, people I still talk to regularly.
They get me/we get we
A key part of getting sober for me was letting myself be vulnerable and being completely honest. I said a lot of things that I will never say again; I admitted things I’d done or said when drinking that I would be embarrassed to mention outside my sobriety groups, but in a meeting it was liberating to release that negativity. “There, I said it.” No one ever said anything that didn’t elicit a “me too” kind of response. We get each other. They get me. I can talk about what a sloppy asshole I was and no one will wrinkle their nose and say “ew;” they’ll say “yeah, I know exactly what you mean. I feel you.”
We know what to do
In my sober community, no one gives unsolicited advice (OK, it does happen but it’s rare and is usually accompanied by an apology). No one waits for you to finish talking so they can tell their clever anecdote that’s kind of related to what you just said. No one one-ups your grief. When I pour my heart out or show my raw, open wounds, people respond in ways that feel like a hug and a squeeze of the hand. “I get it. This sounds so hard.”
We are on this path together
Once you’re in community, it’s not easy to forget that you’re part of a huge movement. I know people who carry a trinket, a small stone for example, when they travel. When they touch it, they are touching their community, the people who have their back, who are with them when their heart skips a beat as they pass an airport bar or go to a work event where there’s alcohol. We feel each other’s presence when we’re having a hard time, whether that’s cravings or a difficult conversation. We know that our team is out there, and that they’ve felt the same things, and that they’ll be there for us in person, or by phone, or on the screen, when we need them.
It’s a universal community
I was at a party and the host introduced me to her son. She said “David’s a friend of Bill, too” and left us to talk. I explained that I’m not in the same program he is, and that was it. We talked about our struggles and our wins and what things looked like for us right now and what our hopes and plans were for the future. AA, Smart Recovery, HAMS, and other programs all have fundamental differences in how they approach healing, but they are all roads leading in the same direction. They use a lot of the same concepts. They use a lot of the same language. We all have commonality and can talk about the same things together. I know that wherever I am in the world, I can find a community that gets me, even if it’s not the community in which I got sober.
Are you looking for a community? Having trouble finding one that fits? I’m a recovery coach, and part of what I do is help people find the right community. I’m not an advocate for any particular program - I’m an advocate for the people I coach. You can reply to this email and I’ll do my best to help you find a community (it’s free).
The only thing I want for you to remember in this post is that you’re not alone. You have me for one, and you probably have other people in your life who are curious about sobriety, newly sober, or living a sober life. If you feel like you’re struggling–and even if you’re not!–it’s worth connecting with them.
I love you,
David
