I need people
Photograph ©2021 David Bivins
I’m a loner.
I get along well with lots of people and I enjoy the company of others, but I love being alone. Back in the day, I was Mr. High School (but not a jock) and knew tons of people. I emceed assemblies in the gym. I was the drum major of the marching band. I spoke at graduation. Fast forward a number of years and I was co-chair of the parents association at my kid’s school. I would stand outside at dropoff and encourage parents to come in to the coffee hour. Mr. Congeniality. All of these things led me to think I was an extrovert. But I’ve come to realize I’m an introvert most of the time. I am very comfortable deep in my own thoughts, especially now that I’m sober, but even when I was a heavy drinker I preferred my own company.
However…
I love my neighborhood. When I walk my dog in the morning I say hello to everyone, including people I don’t know. Even when I have my headphones on, listening to music, I say “good morning.” I love doing that. I love seeing and greeting the people in my neighborhood, even if they all don’t seem to love it (many do say hello back.) I’ve always been like this, I think. In a recent email from The Atlantic, Isabel Fattal interviews Xochitl Gonzalez about a piece she wrote about gentrification in Brooklyn (it’s a great piece and you can read it here):
Isabel Fattal: What’s your advice for people who’ve just moved to a place and are looking to connect with the community there?
Xochitl Gonzalez: Say hello. I live in a neighborhood that’s been very Caribbean for a long time. These are cultures where everyone says good morning. I know who moved there recently and who didn’t, because [new] people walk past you in the morning and don’t say anything. That’s just not really the Brooklyn way.
I love this! It’s “just not really the Brooklyn way.” Amen. Gonzalez goes on to explain that Brooklyn’s a city of neighborhoods, and knowing your neighbors is a way of integrating into the local culture and understanding the social mores. In other words, not complaining (or worse, calling the “authorities”) about stuff you don’t understand.
However…
I was on a video shoot for work, and I bonded with the director immediately. We were arm in arm, cracking wise, telling stories. Less than an hour after I met him, I said “I feel like I’ve known you for a very long time, like we’re old friends.” He said he felt the same way. I love that.
However…
The New York Times recently ran an article about how powerful and valuable it is to check in on your friends. I’m a selfish/passive friend. I get reached out to, but I rarely reach out. I’m too absorbed in my own projects and don’t even think to do it. But I’ll get better. Just reading that article pushed me to text a couple of people I haven’t spoken with in a while. “Liking” a friend’s post isn’t the same thing, but sometimes I felt like it was.
However…
I couldn’t have gotten sober without people, without my Tempest posse. I couldn’t stay sober without all of you. I live my sobriety talking with my friend who I can call and tell I’m having a bad day. What I’m feeling. The stupid shit I said to someone. The struggles I have as a partner and parent sometimes. There’s zero judgment. No advice unless asked. It’s a group of two, and it’s the most important relationship I have outside of my family.
I hope you have the same thing. I may be most comfortable by myself, but I need people. I’m so glad to have them in my life, even if they’re strangers who live blocks away and have no idea who this guy with the dog is and why he’s saying “good morning” to them.
I love you,
David
