Mid-Week Music: Cleo Sol - “Rose in the Dark”
Have I told you about my Unified Theory of Sobriety? Basically it means that from a certain moment early in my sobriety journey until, well, today, everything I encounter seems related to my sobriety. I think it’s a phenomenon of my brain reconciling everything toward this shift in my overall thinking. Realistically, there’s plenty that has nothing to do with my sobriety, but it’s a fun theory and let’s face it: when you’re on this path, there’s a lot of new stuff that comes along (and some of the old stuff) that makes you go “this is TOTALLY about sobriety!”
Case in point: “Rose in the Dark” by Cleo Sol.
https://genius.com/Cleo-sol-rose-in-the-dark-lyrics
I could go line by line and explain what each means to me, but I’d have to go through every single line. I’d rather that you listen to it and make it your own.
I’ll focus on the name of the song which shows up in the second chorus:
“I had to grow the rose in the dark
Everyone sees you falling apart
I had to grow the rose in the dark”
The only people who knew I was having a problem with alcohol were the people in my recovery group. Even my partner was surprised to hear from me that I wanted to quit and why. It felt like everyone but me was in the dark. But I was also fucking up left and right and my addiction had everything to do with that whether or not anyone else could see it. I also felt a lot of shame around starting the process. I had bought into the idea that I was defective, broken - “when your life is breaking down and it’s out of your control” - and it was a lot easier for me to try, for the umpteenth time, to quit drinking in secret, in the darkness.
I came out of the darkness with a rose. A rose is always perfect, but it’s perfect in its asymmetry, its imperfections. It’s beautiful because each one looks a little different.
Roses grow in crappy little forgotten corners and in carefully cultivated gardens. At the end of the season you cut the bush back to ugly, ragged sticks. Sometimes you use shit to amend the soil to help it grow. I could go on and on with the metaphors but you get the idea.
I recited the lyrics of this song in a meeting once and I couldn’t make it through without crying. It really speaks to my experience. I still listen to it all the time.
I bought the vinyl record (staggeringly expensive because I had to order it from overseas) as a birthday present to myself. I believe in buying music from the artist whenever possible. Musical artists have been turned upside-down, for the most part, in the streaming economy. If you like this song, consider buying it (or the entire album) at the Bandcamp link earlier in this post. (It’s not an affiliate link - this is not a sneaky ad for Cleo Sol.)
I don’t have the space today to really get into Cleo Sol, but suffice to say, she’s amazing and everything she’s recorded fills my cup to overflowing. She’s also the co-songwriter and singer on most of Sault’s songs. So if you like her, buy and devour all of Sault’s work, too. I’ll be talking more about Sault soon.
I love you,
David
