I'm hitting pause before I react
I’m having a bad weekend. My father is in the cardiac intensive care unit, having collapsed from a ventricular fibrillation. Luckily he was literally standing in front of a retired firefighter when it happened, who kept my dad alive until the EMTs came and could bring him to the hospital. He’s still there, and he is stable, but his prognosis is largely unknown.
I was unable to attend my father-in-law’s funeral so that I could rush home to be with my mom (I couldn’t see my dad due to COVID restrictions at the hospital). So I couldn’t be with my wife, who lost both of her parents within these last couple of months.
When I got the call about my dad, I was dumbstruck. Then I was paralyzed. I didn’t know where to go. My wife pushed me to go be with my mom and put my support in that direction.
I am so grateful for my wife.
I am grateful that I don’t drink anymore.
I am grateful that I meditate every day.
I am grateful that my parents are still alive.
I am grateful that I told my dad how much I love him only a few days ago
I am grateful for being able to sit with my mom these last couple of days and cry with her and hold her.
The reactive mind used to be a safe place for me, or so my brain would have me think, and it’s a great place to have a drink. React, have a drink to smooth it out; react even more; have some more to drink. It goes 'round and 'round like the classic merry-go-round from my childhood. Also like that, it seems like a lot of fun when you’re on it but in the end you’re nauseated and sometimes you get hurt badly.
So I work on it. I meditate. I read Marcus Aurelius and other Stoics. And I don’t drink. My ability to take a pause when reacting is the greatest gift I gave to myself when I quit drinking.
My need to self-soothe with destructive habits hasn’t disappeared. I still struggle with spending money and with sugar and other carbs (I’m prediabetic, so the latter really is an issue). But I take it one step at a time, one day at a time.
I’m making progress. I’m present. I’m grateful.
Sorry so short this week - I have a lot going on.
With love,
David
